Merry Christmas!!

Hopefully, 2011 will bring more posts. :)

Chrismas cookies make the world go around.

Tis the season we come together with those we love and give thanks. I tend to work the day that America appoints for that, so I gathered friends together early for a good meal and just hanging out. I hate the pressure of putting on a big spread, and am thankful that my friends can appreicate a laid back day.

The convenience of fast food. Without going into the nutritional value at all, there is something remarkable about being able to swing through a parking lot, grab a bucket of fried chicken and enough sides to feed an army, and never have to break a sweat (or heat hot oil).

October finally turned cold, bringing back the season where nothing feels better than curling up under flannel sheets and a wool quilt. And if an overweight cat decides to share the bed, so much the better!

We've had an unreal stretch of nice weather. The leaves stayed ON the trees for maybe 2-3 weeks. Just a few days ago, we got our first breezy day, and down came half my leaves. Then a couple days later, almost all the rest fell.

Walking to my mailbox just got interesting. I'm crunching through a good feet of leaves on my way to the corner and back. :)

It's that one fall week where it's cool, but not too cool, hot, but not too hot, blue skies all week and some awesome colors. Taking the coffee on the deck on mornings such as this makes me wonder why I worry about anything at all.

Weather has been odd this year, which is probably why it's on our minds so much, but this is lovely: We're having a stretch of those fall days where the trees are half turned so you have great colors, but it's gray and raining. Totally curl up with a book and get all cozy weather.

Getting away can be a marvelous thing. Sitting on the porch at the cabin, hearing the waves slap against the shore, miles away from anything.

And I spent most of my getaway reading a book and drinking wine. Funny how some things aren’t situational.

Grief in an odd, odd thing. I can't even begin to explain what I'm going through right now.

It's a blessing to have a place I can go to and whine, complain, cry, vent, and all I get in response is caring, supportive love. Thanks, ladies.

After a summer of 90 degrees and humidity, the weather dropped yesterday to 60's and windy. While many people may complain about this, I'm ready for a nice, cool MN fall! Plus, we'll still have plenty of nice days before the snow flies. :)

State Fair!!

FYI, the Minnesota State Fair is insane. It's held in St Paul, it's crowded, everyone walks into everyone, and the food is expensive. Once a year is enough (but you may want to go more than once in the 12-day period). And the rest of the year - why yes, we do dream of Fair!

My favs: cheese curds, fresh lemonade, bacon-on-a-stick, fried Twinkie. Huge vegetables, the grandstand (people selling stuff), international village, and wandering through the barns for that real fair experience.

The return of football season.

It's probably the camaderie among people who never met 5 minutes before but will spend the next 60 minutes of game time cheering on their team, but to me, football never gets old. It's the fans, the passion, the bursts of action broken up by instant replays and reflection, and secondarily about the beer and stadium food.

As a sports fan (not fanatic in the quoting stats or rosters, but loving to watch them), I love this time of year because baseball's not over, football's just starting, and hockey's just around the corner, too. Some people find joy for themselves through photography, travel, or crafts... I find it on a day when I can watch 3 games back-to-back-to-back.

Friends visiting. Food on the grill, on the table. Being a tourist in my own town.

Finally being me!!

Please don't misunderstand - I love how much support I have, how many people care and are concerned about me. I need them. But every time I'm around people, I edit myself. Always have, always will. On my days off, I'm focused on what needs done before I go back to work. If I don't work tomorrow, I'm trying to get through chores so I can enjoy tomorrow... so I can spend tomorrow thinking about work. Wtf? (Yep, this is one of those things he helped me let go of.)

I'm on 4 days off... so I don't have to do anything until Saturday, really, and I can do laundry Sunday night if I have to. Not too shabby. And I've finally been able to sit here and feel like myself - not a little girl, not an extension of a family, not the boss, not the dead guy's girlfriend, but ME.

It's fabulous.

Which isn't to mean it's not somber, that I haven't cried. In fact, I pretty much spent all day with him. But being me. The me he allowed me to be. I miss that person.

It occurred to me this morning that the only responsibility you have is to be the most authentic YOU imaginable. With him, I was my most authentic self. I love this person.

Granted, I spent a large chunk of my life with someone who cherished beer from an academic position - what makes the different brews, tasting new beers, microbrews, brewing his own, etc. And I came to appreciate it as such as well. I won't tell you I feel like a beer, I'll tell you if I want a wheat or an ale or a stout.

So standing in front of the wall of coolers at my local liquor store, looking at about 50 ft of beers - and most of it good beers, regional brews, things you don't find just anywhere - gives me a huge sense of "Look what I have yet to explore!" The Full Sail we discovered in Oregon, the Sierra Nevada I've always loved, the new varieties of Leinenkugels and Schells.... it was difficult to just grab a six-pack of Guinness and walk away. :)

There's a beautiful feeling of "summer is here" the first time you walk in the house, realize the a/c is on, and it feels good.

The sun finally came out today. It's been cloudy and raining all week, sort of the blah weather that makes everyone go "ugh" and except for not having sun to wake me up, I really don't mind.

After a week of constant, steady rain/mist, the trees have full leaves, the lawn is green, and I even have grass sprouting around the base of the trees, where there's usually not enough water to support it. Spring needs a good soaking to fully support the season... now we're looking like we're ready for summer.

Of all the billion things I have to do, the magazine stack was getting way too high. 8 when I started tackling it yesterday, then I checked the mail and got a new one, but I still have it down to 6. There are worse ways to spend a morning.

It's the daily things I miss. The little small talk around the house, the kiss-and-a-cuddle before bed. The what's-for-dinner, the what're-you-doing-tonight, who's-coming-over and did-you-pick-up-any-beer. There's a daily rhythm to sharing one's life, and it's the rhythm I miss. The big things are only once a year, the every day made up our life.

Life takes unexpected turns.

March 20-27 we cruised for my 30th birthday, a big thing a long time coming, on which we both enjoyed simple things like a beer on deck and spending time with friends.

April 3 we spent time with his side for his grandmother's funeral, again cherishing the time with family.

April 12 he was taken from me in a car accident. Life is uncertain, to say the least.

Friends and family are being very supportive, and I am eternally grateful for them.

It's been a very warm March, for which we're not exactly complaining (except those of us in flood plains, perhaps). A welcome side effect of this is that the formerly 6 ft piles of snow are now nil.

And the deck is completely clear.

And, altho still struggling, the world is slowly starting to turn green.

Sunday brunch is a recurring small pleasure for me.

Today, I had homemade bread in the freezer from Valentine's Day. Thawed it out and made French toast with it - nice, thick slices of an egg bread soaked in egg/milk/vanilla/cinnamon batter. A little bit of maple syrup and coffee and that's a damn good brunch.

I shovelled off the deck last week. Almost 2 feet of snow, covering up 2 inches of ice (the ice is still there).

It's glorious being able to walk out on the deck and inhale deeply again.

Snow can be a wonderful thing to experience, or a huge issue. Largely, it's all in the way you look at things.

Shovelling yesterday was rough and I hurt today... but I feel my body, and the peace outside while flurries are still coming down is it's own cathedral.

A billion blankets is such a wonderful thing. Maybe it's extra noticeable because I live in a such a cold state, but there's something marvelous about being able to crawl under the weight of a number of blankets and be perfectly cozy in an otherwise chilly room.

Yesterday for lunch I had a bowl of chili. It was from my store, but I brought it home and dressed it up with some shredded cheese, jalapenos and sour cream. On a cold day in January, that's mighty yummy

Sweats. These are the Hanes sweatpants and old sweatshirt I got from my brother, and you really have no idea how much time I spend in them. :)

Also, my local country music station that does a drive-home show from 4-6. They do these trivia questions and people call in trying to guess the answer (I'm not thinking about people driving home and calling the radio show at the same time) and I learn stuff. Like, did you know 2 out of 3 people need 2 alarm clocks to wake up in the morning?

Crawling back into bed for a little extra snuggle time. This can be rare because we have to be home on the same days... But it's a great way to spend the morning!

Then that first sip of coffee. Which lasts until afternoon.

And lounging around in silky PJ pants and an old concert T.

Ah... what a wonderful life... :)

Today I discovered I can get morning talk shows until noon! Crazy little things....

My chair is a marvelous thing.

It's not solely my chair, it's not new, it's not fancy, I didn't even buy it. It's a hand-me-down, overstuffed chair, of the sort that comes with any 3-piece living room set (I also have the loveseat, the couch went a different direction long ago).

It's comfy, the arms are wide enough to hold a cup or a laptop, and the ottoman goes nicely in front of it. It's currently surrounded by Sunday's paper, a cell phone, my cordless mouse and a cup of tea. As soon as I sit, I relax, and I can spend hours, right here, accomplishing... nothing.

It's a refuge from the world.

Happy New Year!

I've never been the all-out kind on New Year's. My mom never wanted me to go out, so I'd have friends over and we'd watch a movie, snack, and that's that. Once I got older and could go out, it just never felt right. I can go out any night of the year - New Year's? That just became about reflection and good friends for me.

We had my neighbor over, and a friend from Shakopee, and one of my good friends stopped by. It was good to see them all, and all I really needed. These people are blessings in my life, and it was nice to be able to say adios to 2009 with them.