It's that one fall week where it's cool, but not too cool, hot, but not too hot, blue skies all week and some awesome colors. Taking the coffee on the deck on mornings such as this makes me wonder why I worry about anything at all.

Weather has been odd this year, which is probably why it's on our minds so much, but this is lovely: We're having a stretch of those fall days where the trees are half turned so you have great colors, but it's gray and raining. Totally curl up with a book and get all cozy weather.

Getting away can be a marvelous thing. Sitting on the porch at the cabin, hearing the waves slap against the shore, miles away from anything.

And I spent most of my getaway reading a book and drinking wine. Funny how some things aren’t situational.

Grief in an odd, odd thing. I can't even begin to explain what I'm going through right now.

It's a blessing to have a place I can go to and whine, complain, cry, vent, and all I get in response is caring, supportive love. Thanks, ladies.

After a summer of 90 degrees and humidity, the weather dropped yesterday to 60's and windy. While many people may complain about this, I'm ready for a nice, cool MN fall! Plus, we'll still have plenty of nice days before the snow flies. :)

State Fair!!

FYI, the Minnesota State Fair is insane. It's held in St Paul, it's crowded, everyone walks into everyone, and the food is expensive. Once a year is enough (but you may want to go more than once in the 12-day period). And the rest of the year - why yes, we do dream of Fair!

My favs: cheese curds, fresh lemonade, bacon-on-a-stick, fried Twinkie. Huge vegetables, the grandstand (people selling stuff), international village, and wandering through the barns for that real fair experience.

The return of football season.

It's probably the camaderie among people who never met 5 minutes before but will spend the next 60 minutes of game time cheering on their team, but to me, football never gets old. It's the fans, the passion, the bursts of action broken up by instant replays and reflection, and secondarily about the beer and stadium food.

As a sports fan (not fanatic in the quoting stats or rosters, but loving to watch them), I love this time of year because baseball's not over, football's just starting, and hockey's just around the corner, too. Some people find joy for themselves through photography, travel, or crafts... I find it on a day when I can watch 3 games back-to-back-to-back.

Friends visiting. Food on the grill, on the table. Being a tourist in my own town.

Finally being me!!

Please don't misunderstand - I love how much support I have, how many people care and are concerned about me. I need them. But every time I'm around people, I edit myself. Always have, always will. On my days off, I'm focused on what needs done before I go back to work. If I don't work tomorrow, I'm trying to get through chores so I can enjoy tomorrow... so I can spend tomorrow thinking about work. Wtf? (Yep, this is one of those things he helped me let go of.)

I'm on 4 days off... so I don't have to do anything until Saturday, really, and I can do laundry Sunday night if I have to. Not too shabby. And I've finally been able to sit here and feel like myself - not a little girl, not an extension of a family, not the boss, not the dead guy's girlfriend, but ME.

It's fabulous.

Which isn't to mean it's not somber, that I haven't cried. In fact, I pretty much spent all day with him. But being me. The me he allowed me to be. I miss that person.

It occurred to me this morning that the only responsibility you have is to be the most authentic YOU imaginable. With him, I was my most authentic self. I love this person.

Granted, I spent a large chunk of my life with someone who cherished beer from an academic position - what makes the different brews, tasting new beers, microbrews, brewing his own, etc. And I came to appreciate it as such as well. I won't tell you I feel like a beer, I'll tell you if I want a wheat or an ale or a stout.

So standing in front of the wall of coolers at my local liquor store, looking at about 50 ft of beers - and most of it good beers, regional brews, things you don't find just anywhere - gives me a huge sense of "Look what I have yet to explore!" The Full Sail we discovered in Oregon, the Sierra Nevada I've always loved, the new varieties of Leinenkugels and Schells.... it was difficult to just grab a six-pack of Guinness and walk away. :)