Finally being me!!

Please don't misunderstand - I love how much support I have, how many people care and are concerned about me. I need them. But every time I'm around people, I edit myself. Always have, always will. On my days off, I'm focused on what needs done before I go back to work. If I don't work tomorrow, I'm trying to get through chores so I can enjoy tomorrow... so I can spend tomorrow thinking about work. Wtf? (Yep, this is one of those things he helped me let go of.)

I'm on 4 days off... so I don't have to do anything until Saturday, really, and I can do laundry Sunday night if I have to. Not too shabby. And I've finally been able to sit here and feel like myself - not a little girl, not an extension of a family, not the boss, not the dead guy's girlfriend, but ME.

It's fabulous.

Which isn't to mean it's not somber, that I haven't cried. In fact, I pretty much spent all day with him. But being me. The me he allowed me to be. I miss that person.

It occurred to me this morning that the only responsibility you have is to be the most authentic YOU imaginable. With him, I was my most authentic self. I love this person.

Granted, I spent a large chunk of my life with someone who cherished beer from an academic position - what makes the different brews, tasting new beers, microbrews, brewing his own, etc. And I came to appreciate it as such as well. I won't tell you I feel like a beer, I'll tell you if I want a wheat or an ale or a stout.

So standing in front of the wall of coolers at my local liquor store, looking at about 50 ft of beers - and most of it good beers, regional brews, things you don't find just anywhere - gives me a huge sense of "Look what I have yet to explore!" The Full Sail we discovered in Oregon, the Sierra Nevada I've always loved, the new varieties of Leinenkugels and Schells.... it was difficult to just grab a six-pack of Guinness and walk away. :)