Finally being me!!

Please don't misunderstand - I love how much support I have, how many people care and are concerned about me. I need them. But every time I'm around people, I edit myself. Always have, always will. On my days off, I'm focused on what needs done before I go back to work. If I don't work tomorrow, I'm trying to get through chores so I can enjoy tomorrow... so I can spend tomorrow thinking about work. Wtf? (Yep, this is one of those things he helped me let go of.)

I'm on 4 days off... so I don't have to do anything until Saturday, really, and I can do laundry Sunday night if I have to. Not too shabby. And I've finally been able to sit here and feel like myself - not a little girl, not an extension of a family, not the boss, not the dead guy's girlfriend, but ME.

It's fabulous.

Which isn't to mean it's not somber, that I haven't cried. In fact, I pretty much spent all day with him. But being me. The me he allowed me to be. I miss that person.

It occurred to me this morning that the only responsibility you have is to be the most authentic YOU imaginable. With him, I was my most authentic self. I love this person.

Granted, I spent a large chunk of my life with someone who cherished beer from an academic position - what makes the different brews, tasting new beers, microbrews, brewing his own, etc. And I came to appreciate it as such as well. I won't tell you I feel like a beer, I'll tell you if I want a wheat or an ale or a stout.

So standing in front of the wall of coolers at my local liquor store, looking at about 50 ft of beers - and most of it good beers, regional brews, things you don't find just anywhere - gives me a huge sense of "Look what I have yet to explore!" The Full Sail we discovered in Oregon, the Sierra Nevada I've always loved, the new varieties of Leinenkugels and Schells.... it was difficult to just grab a six-pack of Guinness and walk away. :)

There's a beautiful feeling of "summer is here" the first time you walk in the house, realize the a/c is on, and it feels good.

The sun finally came out today. It's been cloudy and raining all week, sort of the blah weather that makes everyone go "ugh" and except for not having sun to wake me up, I really don't mind.

After a week of constant, steady rain/mist, the trees have full leaves, the lawn is green, and I even have grass sprouting around the base of the trees, where there's usually not enough water to support it. Spring needs a good soaking to fully support the season... now we're looking like we're ready for summer.

Of all the billion things I have to do, the magazine stack was getting way too high. 8 when I started tackling it yesterday, then I checked the mail and got a new one, but I still have it down to 6. There are worse ways to spend a morning.

It's the daily things I miss. The little small talk around the house, the kiss-and-a-cuddle before bed. The what's-for-dinner, the what're-you-doing-tonight, who's-coming-over and did-you-pick-up-any-beer. There's a daily rhythm to sharing one's life, and it's the rhythm I miss. The big things are only once a year, the every day made up our life.

Life takes unexpected turns.

March 20-27 we cruised for my 30th birthday, a big thing a long time coming, on which we both enjoyed simple things like a beer on deck and spending time with friends.

April 3 we spent time with his side for his grandmother's funeral, again cherishing the time with family.

April 12 he was taken from me in a car accident. Life is uncertain, to say the least.

Friends and family are being very supportive, and I am eternally grateful for them.

It's been a very warm March, for which we're not exactly complaining (except those of us in flood plains, perhaps). A welcome side effect of this is that the formerly 6 ft piles of snow are now nil.

And the deck is completely clear.

And, altho still struggling, the world is slowly starting to turn green.

Sunday brunch is a recurring small pleasure for me.

Today, I had homemade bread in the freezer from Valentine's Day. Thawed it out and made French toast with it - nice, thick slices of an egg bread soaked in egg/milk/vanilla/cinnamon batter. A little bit of maple syrup and coffee and that's a damn good brunch.

I shovelled off the deck last week. Almost 2 feet of snow, covering up 2 inches of ice (the ice is still there).

It's glorious being able to walk out on the deck and inhale deeply again.